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Capital City Horus' Commentary
Prof. Horus Engels is one of Fredonia's leading philosophers and thinkers who teaches Menacing Looks and Frog Pills at the
Fredonian Academy of Tolkien Studies. He
has traced the influence of J.R.R. Tolkien, one of Fredonia's most famous sons 1), back to several millennia before
Tolkien's birth, and he has published books in a wide range of languages, including Egyptian (Hieroglyphic), Egyptian
(Coptic), and Hittite. Exclusively for this website, Engels comments on current events in Fredonian politics and cultural
life. At least we think that's what he talks about.
Keen observers have noted that Engels always seems to be in profile. It is unclear whether he actually has a backside.
1) Though actually Tolkien's existence has been disputed. See
this book for details.
04.12.2008 - Insolent Treatment of Gandalf
I'm outraged - outraged! - at the comparisons between Gandalf and
Darth Vader. They are, to be brutally grank, nothing more than lies
produced by the tumescent brains of spineless troglodytes prancing
outside the haunts of the vendors of Elvish pornorgraphic mobile homes
while pretending to be judicious acolytes. Gandalf had a staff (a good
staff! a bickerstaff!) whereas Darth Vader, that evil Freemason,
merely wielded a lightsabre and a drumstick, slobbering over his
Halloween sauerkraut. Little fishes nibbled his toes as he disported
himself in the tears of many a slaughtered hobbit - the objects of his
lascivious fondness for sex while covered in peanut butter. I beg all
people of good not to believe the mendacious tales disseminated by
epicene suits without Numenorean blood.The matter is further aggravated by the ageing of the population of Hobbiton. By now a third of them are senile or teetering on the border of buying a Buick. It is intolerable, and everything horrid indicates that they also make dumplings every time the tender-fleshed hobbitry suffer a further depletion in their number, and meanwhile taxes are on the rise. My barber shop will be ruined because after all the litigation neither he nor Santa Claus nor Santa Monica can afford to trim their beards.
13.09.2008 - The Uruk-hair Are Very Angry
And why do you think that is so, you descriptives? Why, it's because
you have desecrated Christopher Tolkien's pockets and left PELLETS in
them, and also you stole his comb. Yes, his comb! Stop that silly
giggling! Do you think this is a brothel for feeble-minded Stoors? As
Boswell so accurately reports, though admittedly with a whiff of
semprosimilitude, Dr Johnson did not abide quiffs gladly, and neither
do the Uruk-hair! They will fix you all right, you fine-haired sons of
twitches! Wait for the fiff to fall, and then you'll laugh through the
other side of your mouths. Neither will the horse leave its stable.
29.08.2008 - On Saruman's Little Craban
Saruman's little craban wanted to go for a drive, no coach had he. Now
he slid that way, now he slid that way, and now he slid down in the
ditch.
25.08.2008 - On The Evil Men of Angmar
The evil Men of Angmar (not the women, who were good and all looked
like Michelle Pfeiffer) were the first ones to spread the calumny that
Aragorn was a nancyboy. Au contraire! He was a fancy-booy. Galadriel
could have testitied to that, but she held her mother's tongue. (It
was a matter of ancestral memory.)
Aragorn also ate quiche. But one must try to understand. It was in
its entirety a Numismatic plot. That was not the intention of the
Wallars when they founded the island kingdom of Ruminour.
12.08.2008 - On Tolkien's Son Christopher
You utterly contemptible microchrysophalites! How dare you sully his
name, you dogflesh-loving oicks? It is no wonder that poor dear
Christoper, the martyr of Sludgepool, hides inside a villa in Provence
which is surrounded by a wall and guarded by a vicious wild boar! He
had to! His rabid "admirers" (some of them speaking French) left him
no choice but to cry "Haddock!" and let slip the boars of war. And
he was a much better lover than his father, despite the claims of
insinuating snakes. I speak from experience.P. S. Wikipedia was not involved in this note.
06.05.2008 - On Tolkien's Compositions
The evidence of Tolkien's musical sophistication marks his ballets
(especially "The Smaug Sea") in ways obvious and hidden, general and
specific. His Scotch Symphony solves the problems of Mendelssohn's
Scotch Symphony - a work undone by a shortage of soda whose cheerful
if hiccoughing note of triumph is (at least for post-Victorian
throats) impossibly strong. Not so Tolkien, who, by the judicious
addition of more soda, and a drop of angostura, ensured his success.
01.05.2008 - On, um, beats me
Lies! Yet more lies! And silly, pantouflian lies at that. Farmer Giles
celebrated Succoth, and his sword was attenuated like a leaf of smoked
bacon in the wind until it was twisted unto the shape of a tortured
mermaid. This is the fate of every Amalechite who dares to transgress
the sacred threshold of the Firbolg and slaver on the toes of Holy
Shelob. Do you think it is that easy to fool Scrooge McDuck? He bribed
them to prevent this very thing, you gullible heffalump!
20.04.2008 - On Contemporary Actors
I wants to see John Rhys-Davies' pants set on fire and then see him
get chased all around Colosseum by ravenous smurfs.Editor's note: The following clarification was sent to us by Prof. Engels on April 23.)
John Rhys-Davies should be served, charred, smoking, rred from the bone, to the starving smurfs, and to Kim Basinger in a cat suit. As for Tolkien, well dost thou know that Tolkien was Mel Gibson's evil aunt, chasing him through the outback with her umbrella.
11.04.2008 - On the Indelicacy of Orcs
As Uglśk said unto Grishnįkh: "Die, spurious Elf woman! Do you think
we do not see you for what you are? You are merely yet another of the
horrible, hissing noises from the wheeled cauldron that is trying to
catch up with us! A cauldron full of inferior CEYLONESE tea! With us
all! Now take that and put it in your pipe and smoke it! And Polly
Toynbee is an idiot too, or else she woud not have offered her body
unto the lust of the Uruk-hai in the name of Socialism!" I could cry.
28.03.2008 - On Japanese Art
The Hokusai Image of Gollum! In this timeless painting, the Japanese Master, who was undoubtedly of Avari ancestry, shows
Gollum picking his teeth with a fishbone while an ageing samurai steers the ship towards the shore he loved so much. And
he sang (Gollum):Sauron beckons on the other shore,
Sauron beckons on the other shore,
Sauron beckons on the other shore,
Hallelujah!
Fish and rings on the other side!
Hallelujah!
01.03.2008 - On the Use of Facial Expressions in Acting
Denethor's Queer Eyes! In depth, greenness and general sepulchritude, they supperseded those of Treebeard anytime. They were also good for wedding cakes. Now, I want you all to take this very calmly and troop down into the shelters before it is too late. Snaga will direct you, together with Serjeant Bagdemagus.
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