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Hell 28.09.2008 - Hell's first mobile computer to hit the marketHell City (orcinf) -- The staff of Commiecom's laboratories leaked the first pictures of their newest technological achievement today, a mobile computer that is destined to make a big impact on Fredonia's market. According to Dr. C. Anderpantz, the chief developer, Hell's first sub-notebook or 'netbook' is a true inter-universal cooperation. "We worked closely with our friends and comrades at Let A Thousand Dear Leaders Bloom Microtechnology, Pyongyang", Anderpantz said. "They really helped us to transcend the limits of today's technology."  Click image to enlarge Anderpantz admitted, though, that the new product was not perfect yet. "The screen is a bit small", he said. "But that was the only way to stay under the 20 kg limit, to make the notebook portable for any orc with normal physical strength." He promised, though, that this problem would be addressed in future models. 12.08.2008 - Hell's team for Olympics fights exclusion Bitterfelt (orcinf) -- The Fredonian Olympics are coming up, and the entire Helluvan team is threatened with exclusion for doping. The spokeswoman of Hell's athletes, weightlifting champion Sweatlana Kowstemmer, dismissed the allegations that had been uttered last week. "We never took anything illegal", she thundered on a press conference in her deep bass voice, nervously twiddling her beard. The athletes claim that all substances found in their blood are part of Hell's normal air pollution. To back up this claim, they have invited the Fredonian Olympic Committee to test Hell's air on the discovered chemicals. Yesterday evening, the president of the FOC, Châtelain Christopher MDCCCXCII of Tol Kien, arrived at the Helluvan training center in Bitterfelt and, according to his speakers, will conduct tests "as soon as he stops coughing". 30.05.2008 - Subprime Standard comments on explosion in Hell Capital City / Hell (Capital News) -- Capital City's daily, The Subprime Standard, has rejected Hell's official explanation for the powerful blast of May 28th. According to the paper, Hell's claim about "exploding Tolkien books" is highly cheesy because the same government officially decided that Tolkien did not exist. It also reveals that in the past years, a significant part of Hell's defense budget has been funnelled off to the Department for Nuclear Physics, headed by an orc named Lorti Eddem. Last not least, The Subprime Standard printed an interview that was secretly conducted with Dan de Lion, a hobbit who was brought to Hell City Hospital yesterday morning with badly burned feet. De Lion claims that when he was "stealing, I mean, collecting bird eggs" in the unpopulated heathland southeast of Empthy that night, he suddenly saw "a giant glowing mushroom not far away", which looked so tasty that he could not restrain himself and ran right towards it. The Daily Worcer of Hell, in response to these accusations, once again called the very idea that Hell might be testing nuclear weapons "ridiculous" and "a conspiracy against us". 28.05.2008 - Mysterious explosion in Hell Capital City / Hell (Capital News) -- Concerns were rising across Fredonia after a mysterious explosion shook the south of County Hell yesterday night. As several shepherds on the southern Ouiskie plain reported, a bright flash of light could be seen just beyond the Helluvan border at precisely 2:17 AM, followed by a loud rumbling sound, a hot wind and a shaking of the ground. The quake was also felt beyond the Cordon Sanitaire. "Several of my perfume flasks fell from my nightstand and shattered", complained Fragrantine, a young girl from Lavender. Even in Oxfat, the seismographic institute recorded a slight tremor, though this might have been caused as well by Prof. Horus Engels stomping around in an adjacent lecture hall. The Helluvan official press remained quiet about the incident this morning. But as the day progressed, pressure from other Fredonian fiefs increased to look into this affair. Capital City news channels were the first to speculate that the government of Hell might have tested a nuclear weapon. "It would fit into the picture of their continued military buildup", said a worried broker at the Capital City stock exchange. The government of Hell immediately rejected such speculations as "despicable slander" and blamed the explosion on an accident. According to spokesman Burph Sossytch-Meetboll, a careless collector of fantasy novels had put a Tolkien book and a Pullman book on the same shelf, which caused an immediate combustion. The Helluvan officials admitted there was a slight increase of the level of radioactivity in the area, but blamed it on the elves. "Who knows what they've been spraying in the Cordon again", said Sossytch-Meetboll. 31.01.2008 - Comgress elections a complete success Hell City (orcinf) -- The results of the Comgress election in County Hell exceeded expectations. Voter turnout rose to 137% in Filthy and 145% in Tasthy, setting new record marks for these districts. Participation reached a stellar 1600% in the district Bluh, whose sole inhabitant Commissar Bluh said that it would have been even higher if he had not run out of ballot papers. According to Bluh, the high turnouts are unmistakeable signs how serious the orcs of Hell are about democratic values. Even in Hell City North, where fangirls could vote for the Psychedelic Hair Association, the elections were mainly quiet and uneventful. Election supervisors were relieved to note that most fangirls turned out to be too young to vote anyway. The actual results were classified as top secret by Hell's secret services, KGBork and NKVDork, and thus cannot be told to anyone. The government assured, however, that this would not lead to confusion amongst the contestants for Comgress seats. "It's actually very easy", a speaker of the Comgress told the Daily Worcer, "if you arrive and someone's sitting at your place, you're out." 27.01.2008 - Comgress elections in Hell Hell City (orcinf) -- This weekend Hell elects a new Comgress. Aside from a glorious proof of Hell's unwavering commitment to democracy, these elections will also be a first test for the new polling booths made of transparent plastic, designed to make election fraud nearly impossible. As usual, the county is divided in seven electoral districts: Hell City North, Hell City South, Filthy, Industhry, Tasthy, Empthy and Bluh. The district Bluh consists only of the First Commissar's flat and was introduced to make sure the First Commissar is elected in his district with a 100% result, which gives him/her/it the necessary authority to do this job. The following parties have nominated candidates in all seven constituencies: Bolshevork Party; Bolshevork Party-Orthodox Faction; Bolshevork Party-Progressive Faction; Bolshework Party-New Way; Bolshevork Party-True Way (Majority); Bolshevork Party-True Way (Minority); Bolshevork Party-Yet Another Way; Bolshevork Party-Renewal; Bolshevork Party-The Only Real One; Bolshevork Party-The Only Real One(2). Unexpectedly, the Fangirl Psychedelic Hair Association has met the requirements to stand in Hell City North. This has caused constant worries in the Orcish population for the past days, but today General Confomromitz promised he will deploy officers to every polling station to rule out any improper behaviour or wrong voting. The polling stations close at 20:00 on Stalinday, with first results expected on early Potday. The Comgress has no power of its own, but it advises the ruling Commissars of the Bolshevork Party in all important issues. 20.08.2008 - Populist Blatherwycke stirs unrest The wilderness to the north (Capital News) -- A new political actor has appeared on the Fredonian scene: the populist Osbert Blatherwycke, who tries to establish a following in Fredonia on a three-point programme: 1. A total stop on immigration. 2. Tax cuts and 3. A policeman under (or, depending on preferences, in) every citizen's bed. However, so far Blatherwycke has not been very successful. Not even the orcs seem to like him. "We are trying to find a way to expel Blatherwycke", says Superintendent Horatio Catchem of the Fredonian Police Department. "There are sincere doubts as to how a person with his opinions could be a true native of Fredonia." 06.04.2008 - Psychophants on the loose New Library (Capital News) -- Reports have arrived here from the wild forests to the east that a band of the notorious psychophants are on the loose. In the forests of the eel clans, they waylaid an innocent Finn and tried to force him to drink water. The Finn fought bravely against this evil fate, and before the worst could happen, he was rescued by some members of the eel clans who heard his cries for help. At the sight of the rescue party, the cowardly psychophants let go of the Finn and disappeared southwards. The rescuers report that the psychophants were very evil-looking and openly flaunted several bottles labelled "H2O". Says Superintendent Horatio Catchem of the Fredonia Police Department: "We suspect the culprits are in cahoots with the smurfs. This infamous assault bears all the hallmarks of a smurf conspiracy." 18.03.2008 - Brutal murder of troll in Tiundaland Tiundaland (Capital News) -- According to the chief librarian at the New Library, the brutally mangled body of a troll has been found in the forests of Tiundaland. The remains appear to be those of a so-called "red troll", who had been lynched by a gang of black trolls for ethnic or religious or possibly aesthetic reasons. The manner of dispatching the unfortunate creature was the one traditional among trolls: they whipped him to a pulp with their tails. The sachem of the black trolls, Nickabrick, did not return our call, and his office refused to comment on the matter. The sachem of the red trolls, Brumpkin, is reportedly meditating in The Cave of the Weeping Gods and is not to be disturbed. Asked about the matter, Superintendent Horatio Catchem of the Fredonian Police Department shrugged. "We can't investigate the matter without being accused of meddling in the internal affairs of the trolls", he told our reporter. "No doubt the trolls will settle it in their own way, that is to say, by a gang of red trolls whipping a black troll to a mush with their tails. One must respect their traditonal way of life, which enshrines a wisdom that our narrow, linear way of thought has lost." 24.02.2008 - Science Demands Sacrifices Temple of Tyope (pim, confl) -- An unusually agressive Balrog, calling himself Mr. Science, has taken lodging in the outskirts of Temple of Tyope, demanding passers-by to perform sacrifices for him. Body parts, first-born sons, urine samples - this particular Rog seems less fastidious then his more cultivated cousins. Rogsylvania denies any connections to this new embarassing menace in strongest terms. A Rogsylvanian official speculated that the newcomer might be Ralph, an annoying quasi-criminal balrog and outcast. 02.01.2008 - Arm of Tyope Dislodged By Stray Rocket Temple of Tyope (sg) -- As Fredonia revived after the New Year celebrations, it was discovered that one of the arms of Tyope on the statue crowning Her temple had fallen off, apparently dislodged by a rocket. Says Superintendent Horatio Catchem of the Fredonian Police Department: "The culprits may be drunken members of the Wildschwein Clan, or of the Eel Clan, or Finns; or a combination of people from those groups. Our investigations continue with ruthless dedication. The blasphemers must be caught!" |
11.07.2008 - Rogsylvanian legislator suggests abolishing slavery
BRUNNÈME (confl) -- Controversial, or perhaps simply eccentric Rogsylvanian noblerog Margrave Massacre has outdone himself, again. Apparently his last suggestion, that humans should be knocked unconscious before being slaughtered, wasn't enough for the notorious liberal. He now proposes that the term "slave" should be gotten rid of. "It's a highly unaesthetic word," he explained during a polo match that he insisted on playing with dead humans only. "It's rude calling Orcs slaves! 'Volunteers' sounds so much nicer, don't you think?" The Diet laughed uproariously at the honorable member's comments. 02.07.2008 - Balrogs "annoyed" at Fredonian Press Secretary Roggenberg (confl) - Viscount de Nasty, the Fredonian Royal Press Secretary, has gotten himself into trouble again. This time the issue is some comments allegedly made about Rogsylvanian accommodations. Reportedly, the viscount stated that his stay in Roggenberg was "abysmal" and that the Rogsylvanian hospitality industry had "barely made it into the Third Age, let alone the Seventh." "I was placed in a prison cell with an Orc who had been accused of being ugly," he complained. A Rogsylvanian official warned that the Fredonian court would experience Rogsylvanian "displeasure" if an apology was not forthcoming. "The human should consider itself lucky we didn't eat it," he added. "Though it probably tastes like rubbish." 17.02.2008 - Travel Report: A Balrog relates What He Did During His Vacation Feuergarten (sg, confl) - Asked for a report on what he did during his holidays, a Feuergarten resident told reporters of The Conflagration: "Ghash ghash ghash ghash ghash ghash ghash. Ghash ghash ghash ghash, ghash ghash ghash ghash ghash ghnash. Ghash ghash ghash-ghash, ghash ghash ghash ghash ghash ghash. Ghash ghash! Ghash ghash ghash ghash ghash ghash, ghash ghash, ghash ghash ghash ghashed. Ghash ghash ghash ghash, ghash ghash, ghash, ghash, ghash. Ghash ghash ghash, ghash ghash ghash." Commentators in Rogsylvania remarked that this conjured up images of recent parties in Mount A'o'e'ai'ia'a'ooaea'a'au'u on Hawaii, currently an 'in' place for igneous beings. 12.03.2009 - Viceregent decree marks setback for Tolkienoids Citing scripture's command to "speak plainer," the viceregent has imposed a strict ban on mumbling. "It also makes it hard to tell whether they are heretics plotting the destruction of all that is holy," he added. However, he has also forbidden other students to laugh at the Tolkienoids, because, as MORAMBAR says: "No one laughs at Tolkien!" Smoking is already encouraged, so there is no change there. The viceregent reiterated that, while pipe-smoking is cool, it is not the only smoking in which tolkien engaged or which FATS encourages. "MORAMBAR made it very clear that olifant cigars are the preferred smoking apparatus," he observed. Tolkienoids are also being required to renew their loyalty oaths to MORAMBAR and to the aministration. 07.03.2009 - Protests for and against Tolkien shake Oxfat Oxfat (The Throttler) -- A pack of Greer worshippers staged a blasphemous demonstration in front of the Incredibly Stinky Giant Cigar today. Chanting things like "Tolkien makes us sick!", these vile unmentionables hurled contumely and derision upon the holy of holies, even attacking Tom Bombadil's poetry. Happily, MOE, FATS' intrepid security force, ate most of the miscreants - but not before the world received a sobering reminder of the depths to which the enemies of all that is good will stoop. At the same time, there has appeared a weird cult among FATS, a group of people who call themselves "Tolkienoids". They believe that to truly understand Tolkien, you must also talk like Tolkien, act like Tolkien, and look like Tolkien. So they all walk around in wool sweaters, smoking pipes, and mumbling weird things. And there are reports of even more bizarre rites being practiced among the extremists. In absence of a clear position by MORAMBAR on such imitation, the viceregent of FATS has ordered their leaders held for questioning. There is no objection to their dressing, looking, and acting like Tolkien as yet, and the viceregent was quite polite to them, offering them warm beer and mush. But he does want clarification of their attitude towards MORAMBAR and the FATS leadership. 11.07.2008 - Finnish city discovered Finnish Lands (pim) -- Apparently the Finns do have a city after all. It is called Korsula (Trenchtown in common speech), and it consists of a network of WWII style trenches and dugouts. Naturally the reason why it was not previously known is that it was so well camouflaged, as well as basically in the middle of nowhere in the northern woods. Currently, many people are wondering if Korsula is indeed just a piece of WWII nostalogy, or if it's build for some other purpose, like protecting some secret treasure. 12.03.2008 - Imaginary TV goes Nationwide Capital City (pim) -- Imaginary TV, the number one cable network TV of Capital City, begins nationwide transmissions this month, but is Fredonia ready for it? In the five years it has been operating, the Imaginary TV has created some amazing success, but also a great deal of controversy. The founder of Imaginary TV, Sambo McSchuyster, arrived in Fredonia through the Wood Between the Worlds, from a mysterious place called Hallowed Timber, where he was working as a TV producer. Upon arriving to Capital City, he soon invented the concept of Imaginary Televison, based on the old phrase that no TV program could ever surpass the human imagination. The Imaginary TV provides only the basic stuctures of the story, characters and the background, but leaves the rest to the imagination of the viewers. Arriving in time of a major economic boom, McShuyster was able to collect risk funding for his project with ease, and soon the popularity of Imaginary TV surpassed all expectations. Critics have discredited the network as a massive hoax, stating that as there are no actual shows, the viewers are basically paying for nothing, but constant high ratings and a string of award winning shows seem to indicate that this is precisely what today's audiences want to see from their televisions. 04.03.2008 - Controversy over "Remorseful Troll" deepens Capital City (pim) -- In a recent press conference, the representative of Barftat government repeated the accusations against Capital City, for harbouring and protecting a known terrorist and a war criminal, Ooga-Drog-Hog, also known as the Remorseful Troll. The representative of Barftat stated that his government has provided Capital City with "undeniable evidence, which you have been unable to retort in any meaningful way, despite your repeated attempts of distorting the facts, and resorting to ad hominem attacks and spelling flames", of Mr. Hog being guilty of numerous crimes against "the Humanity and the Netiquette", and demanded that he should be immediately apprehended and turned over to Barftat officials to face justice. The representative of Barftat assured that Mr. Hog would recieve a fair and impartial treatment in court, in accordance to all civilized laws and customs. When inquired the specific nature of the evidence Barftat has presented against Mr. Hog, the representative commented: "The evidence for his guilt can be detected from his race." 02.02.2008 - Duel Between Rival Helluvan Electors Postponed Again Pezopolis (Terribly Exact Uncensored News Consortium) -- The annual duel between the Count of Helluvaprofit and the Margrave of Wetland, which is one of the leading events at the Royal Pizza-Sneezing Celebration, was called off again this year, leaving the remaining Electors present at the festivities no more bored than usual. The occasion of the affair of honour this year was possession of a cactus in the Filthy Demesne. The duel could not take place because the Margrave's second, Count Generic de Blah, was not present at the event. A spokesman said he had "forgotten" and had another engagement in one of the casini of Capital City. Moreover, the Count of Helluvaprofit never showed up either. Later reports indicated that he had run away fron his second, the Rogsylvanian crime expert named Ralph. It appears that Ralph was feeling peckish. Attendees at the Pizza-Sneezing Celebration were relieved that the Ceremonial Trolling continued as scheduled. |
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